Purple Turtle

I never imagined that my life would change so quickly. I will never forget getting a call from the officer, being brought to the ER by my wonderful new co worker, talking to a social worker, seeing my sweetheart. I will never forget running through the halls of the hospital to hear the news that the doctors and nurses did everything they could. I will never forget standing, kneeling, and pleading at his bedside, and ultimately, at his grave.

I will never forget the purity. The love. The grace. The hard times. I will never forget the relationship. My first true love. My lovey.

It’s been 5 years without him.

5 whole years of growing as a person, learning to live, like a baby, learning to walk again. Learning to speak a language of life that is new.

On may 28th, 2020, my parents came to visit him and I in Provo, Utah where we had just rented our quaint apartment. We walked around the University. What a wonderful night, full of laughter, peace.

We stopped by the gardens to watch the small turtles in the pond. I don’t think I had ever seen him laugh so hard at these cute little animals, jumping in the water. I remember him laughing in a pure and innocent way.

The next day our story and destinies would change forever.

I don’t know if I believe in signs from the universe but like every grieving person, you have to wonder.

Do they visit me?

Do they miss me?

Caleb’s favorite color was purple. I have always associated him with this. Whenever I would post something about our love, I would include a purple heart. I still do.

One day along this journey and while feeling my feelings, I asked the universe to please give me a sign because I think I deserve it. A sign that he is still there and listens. I asked to send me something purple and a turtle to signify our last full day together in true bliss.

Flash forward to about a year later, while on a trip a couple of weeks ago, I found myself in a shop and to my surprise I see this laid before me.

I don’t have many words to say, but I found it comforting for a moment. It is helping me make sense of my experiences and offered me a small amount of peace.

Moving forward with life is challenging. It’s difficult to understand unless you have been on the front row of a funeral. It changes you. Grief morphed me into the person I am today.

One thing I know is that grief has never robbed my love for him and I am glad.

I am thankful for the sign and for the great memory of May 28th.