My Experience with EMDR

This will be a more vulnerable post than I am used to making.

For the first time in a while I am looking forward to spring and summer. I have not enjoyed the summers in such a long time but this past weekend, I felt the sun on my face and felt as though all of my ailments had been healed. I am so excited for the snow to melt and to feel some rejuvenation!

A couple of months ago I went back to therapy for a couple of reasons. 1. I am a therapist and I personally believe that every therapist needs their own to be able to process and prioritize their own mental health, and 2. My depression, anxiety, and somatic symptoms became more intense after a long period of time. I remember sharing that healing is not linear and it fluctuates throughout time and I think that is what was happening to me.

I have struggled with these symptoms and many more for a long time, ever since Caleb’s passing. When someone you love dies in a traumatic way, or you have experienced traumatic things, you may be at risk for developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I had never thought that I would develop this, but it turns out, I have. One of the best tools to facilitate healing from PTSD is a therapeutic modality called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).

In my own words, EMDR is a type of therapy that can be used for someone who has been traumatized and has numerous traumatic memories, nightmares, and flashbacks, etc. The therapist gives the client paddles that alternatively buzz that they hold in each hand, or they have the person watch a light move across a bar. My therapist has even had me alternatively pat my hands on my thighs while she has played a metronome. The alternating allows for bilateral stimulation of both brain hemispheres. When both sides of the brain are stimulated, new neuro pathways are developed.

So in my therapy sessions, my therapist has asked me to think of the traumatic memory that has been causing me distress and rate it from 0-10. I do, and then I process the event through the bilateral stimulation. I am asked to share what comes to mind when I think about the memory. In future sessions, I think about the same memory until it is no longer causing me that much distress. Thus, this is why it is called eye movement “desensitization and reprocessing.” When you are going through EMDR, your brain makes new pathways and changes the way how the memory is stored in the brain.

When I used to think about some certain memories, I would try my hardest to block them out, but now, I can think about some of them without becoming worked up about them and feeling anxiety, I am filled with more peace.

I hope this all makes sense. I have found that EMDR has been a savior for me as I have been dealing with grief now in this stage of my life. There are many things that I have internalized pertaining to Caleb’s death and the aftermath of it, that I required more support in my healing that prayer, faithfulness, self-care, and mindfulness could not fix. I also want to highlight that trauma is defined as, “emotional shock following a stressful event.” (Oxford Dictionary)

Everyone may experience this from time to time.

If you are experiencing any symptoms or persisting symptoms of trauma, I am sorry. My heart is with you, and I encourage you to seek professional help. I will continue to speak more about symptoms of trauma later on, but I just wanted to share what has been working for me. It has been difficult processing, but I am finally able to find some solace and peace with some of the sad and tragic memories and no longer feel so much distress from them. If you have questions about EMDR, there are many resources online to help you learn more. It has been refreshing and I look forward to meeting with my therapist every week.

Here’s to growth and continual healing my friends.

Love, Marissa