In The Garden

I know I haven’t written in quite a bit. I have been meaning to, but I always seem to find excuses not to write. It’s late and I can’t seem to sleep, so I will retreat to writing.

Ever since Caleb’s accident, I have always been firm in my beliefs. I never questioned in a plan from God. I have never wavered. My testimony on the other hand has not been replenished like it has. I have found myself not wanting to pray and read the word of God. I know that I am converted but I haven’t been doing the things necessary to further my testimony and learn new things that could strengthen it even more. They have become more of a chore and when thinking about reading the scriptures, it has been exhausting.

When Caleb died, I had an impression that he would want me to travel to the holy land. I had brought it up before to him that I would like to go someday.

I got the opportunity to go with my father, my husband and his parents, and my aunt and uncle. Being surrounded by people who loved me was comforting.

Some people may think that I am healed from the tragedy and loss. In some ways I am so healed and feel at peace, but in other ways I still feel the deep agony and pain. It is like shattering a glass and trying to put it together again with glue. There may be pieces that you cannot find- leaving a hole in the glass. That’s how grief affects me at the moment.

I thought if I could just see gethsemane, the city where Christ was born, where he mourned for me, that I would feel something again that would want me to strengthen and guild more of a fire inside of me.

There is a church that was built by the Catholics a couple hundred years after Christ’s death. They built it over the prison that held Jesus and where he was sentenced to death. Not far off is the garden of Gethsemane. Gethsemane is very close to this church and by the busy road. As we entered the garden, I couldn’t hear beyond the olive trees. A stillness was there and was comforting. As I sat there on a bench in the garden, I realized again that Christ was real. It was here that he atoned for me. And this is the place where he would ultimately save me with his kindness. Even though my glass may always be missing a few shards, Christ will come and put them in for me when the time is right.

We were able to see the tomb. In the tomb, in-scripted on the wall it reads, “Jesus Christ, Alpha, and Omega.” Many people who travel to Israel believe that Christ’s burial site is inside the church of the holy sepulcher. It is a beautiful gaudy church and site for all Christians to see. The Garden Tomb, however, is reverent. I don’t know which of these spots is where Christ resided, but I don’t care. I was strengthened by seeing both.

Did seeing these places heal me?

I was hoping that these places would heal me, that there would be an earth shattering experience, and that I would truly feel something different. I did not feel anything new, but a renewed impression that someday, healing will come.

I will be 25 next year. Crazy! I took a psychology class and learned about a structure in the brain called the pre-frontal cortex. This structure allows for decision making and processes. Around the age of 25, your pre-frontal cortex becomes more fully developed. On days I feel that, and some days i don’t. But I do feel older and learning about mental health has helped me heal as well.

I do believe that some of us need to personally go to the garden. I don’t mean to fly to Jerusalem cause it’s a 16 hour non-stop flight and not a lot of people have the time for that hahah. But I mean figuratively find a garden. Find a place to find him. Since doing this, I have a whole new appreciation for the scriptures and a yearning to connect again with God. Find a garden, there’s a stillness there.