Overcoming

This past weekend, Carson had a conference for his schooling down in Provo since he attends UVU online. He asked me if I wanted to join him and come along.

Whenever I think of Provo Utah, my mind easily flashes back to 2020. I think of all of the memories, some beautiful, some tragic, and horrific. Even after 3 years, it can still hurt when I think about that place. In response to Carson, I accepted and joined him even in hesitation.

While Carson was at his conference, I was able to connect with someone I had taught on my mission. I think I have mentioned him here before. He is currently serving his last week of his mission in Orem. I was able to briefly talk with him and how his mission had served him. It was great to see him and discuss old memories, laugh, and feel uplifted by each other.

After my visit with Eli, I turned on general conference on the radio. When I was about to make the drive back up north, I had a feeling to drive south to Caleb’s resting place.

I wrestled with this thought.

When I have visited in the past, I have felt so much anxiety and anguish. I have never been able to feel peace. My stomach started to tighten.

But the thought persisted.

Alright, I’ll go.

The drive was difficult. There were lots of emotions and tears. When I reached the cemetery, I had a different experience than I had had before. Many tears were shed. Many words were said. I am grateful that I was able to spend some time there alone. Like I said, I do not travel there often. If I do, I want to be there alone to let me feel my emotions.

On Saturday a healthy memory was planted in the most traumatic place for me. Many won’t understand why I physical get ill when I travel there, but that’s okay. This is my story. Everyone responds to trauma in different ways, and that is okay. It is also okay to not be okay for a while. There is no time limit for grief and overcoming it. I will be for the rest of my life.

As an emerging mental health clinician, I am learning the importance of giving yourself grace. I’ve been so ticked off about myself not being eager to visit C’s grave. I’m learning that your mind and body need time to heal from things that have deeply hurt them. We must utilize healthy coping skills and if we aren’t ready to confront the things before us, that is okay! Give yourself grace. Love your journey. I am learning to love mine.

I’m grateful for new memories, this weekend, and overcoming fears and trauma one step at a time. Love you all

Marissa